How the 3 Types of Narcissists Act on a First Date

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You can predict how narcissists will act in a relationship from your first date.

When you say the word “narcissist,” most people immediately picture an outgoing, extroverted person who appears supremely self-confident and immediately takes center stage at every gathering. While this is an apt if brief description of the behavior of a typical exhibitionist narcissist who is feeling grandiose, it leaves out many other people who also have narcissistic disorders.

I have found it useful to divide Narcissistic Personality Disorder into three main subtypes — exhibitionist, closet, and toxic. Some theorists give them different names, or they may describe fewer or more types of narcissists. The ones that I call toxic narcissists, others may call malignant narcissists, or they may describe all non-exhibitionists as covert narcissists. Putting the names aside, the easiest way to recognize which subgroup you are dealing with is by paying close attention to how they prefer to get their narcissistic supplies. In brief:

✓Exhibitionist Narcissists: Want to be admired.

✓Closet Narcissists: Want to be associated with someone whom they admire.

✓Toxic Narcissists: Want to dominate and make the other person feel worthless.

Why is it important to recognize which subgroup a narcissist belongs in?

If you find yourself in a relationship with anyone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, you need to understand exactly what you are getting into, and how it is likely to affect your relationship. You can get some basic information by simply recognizing that they have narcissistic issues:

✓Preoccupied with self-esteem issues.

✓Self-centered.

✓Lack emotional empathy.

✓Ultra-sensitive to perceived slights.

✓Easily angered.

✓Devaluing.

✓Highly status conscious.

All of this makes it difficult for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to sustain stable, intimate, and loving relationships.

If we take the above information a step further and sort narcissists into the three basic subgroups, this gives us even more information about how they are likely to react in intimate relationships.

You may have been in a relationship with a narcissist without realizing it.

Each of the three narcissistic groups has their own typical relationship pattern. Because there has been so much focus on the exhibitionist narcissist, many people do not realize that any other type of narcissistic disorder exists. This means that you could be with a non-exhibitionist narcissist for years without realizing it.

When things go badly wrong, and a partner’s narcissistic traits are suddenly more obvious, people ask me: “Is it possible that my husband (or wife) suddenly became a narcissist after all these years?” The answer is no; Narcissistic Personality Disorder is formed in childhood and diagnosable by early adulthood. You just did not recognize the signs until now.

Why is their narcissism more obvious now? It usually turns out that some life crisis has threatened the narcissistic spouse’s self-esteem. In their attempt to cope with this challenge, the person has increased their use of narcissistic defenses. This has now made these defensive behaviors much more obvious.
 

This means that it is highly likely that your partner’s narcissistic difficulties and coping strategies have been creating problems in your relationship the whole time you have been together. You simply did not understand that this was the issue. Once you understand what to look for, you will probably be able to see how your mate’s narcissistic sensitivities may have played a role in many of the fights and misunderstandings the two of you have had over the years.

The three narcissistic subgroups and their approaches to relationships

Below is a brief introduction to the three major subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and some examples of how they might act on a first date. How they act on that date can provide useful information about how they would behave in an ongoing relationship, should one develop. The difference is that on a first date, they are putting their best foot forward. If you do not like their behavior then, you are even less likely to enjoy their company later on, when they are taking you for granted and not trying so hard.

Narcissists are usually fairly overt when it comes to demonstrating their relationship style, because they are not usually aware of what their actions say about them. They also tend to repeat the same relationship patterns over and over again. You are usually safe in assuming that if they do it with you on a first date, they have done it before — and will do it again.

1. Exhibitionist Narcissists

This is the group of people who come to mind when most people hear the word “narcissist.” They like to be the center of admiring attention. They tend to dominate conversations, feel entitled to special treatment, act supremely confident, and enjoy telling stories and giving advice. When they feel insecure, they use what I call the "GOD Defense," for Grandiose, Omnipotent, and Devaluing.

The GOD Defense is my shorthand way of describing the defensive, unrealistically perfect facade that exhibitionist narcissists attempt to construct to hide their own self-doubt. Instead of presenting themselves as normal human beings with assorted talents and flaws, they insist that they are special, perfect, know everything, and are always right. They also expect everyone around them to agree with their point of view. In their mind, they are “above,” and everyone except a select few are “below” them.

Because this arrogant posture is a thin, easily pierced façade and not how they really feel inside, it is easily disrupted. This makes exhibitionist narcissists hypersensitive to even minor slights. They are quick to get angry and ready to fight over things that most people might not even notice. They can also be quite cruel, because they lack emotional empathy.

When they are not bragging about their own accomplishments or telling stories in which they play a heroic or starring role, they are busy devaluing anyone who disagrees with them. They may cruelly mock someone who is within hearing distance: “Boy, does she look fat in that dress!” or “I can’t believe how stupid our waiter is.” They tend to be oblivious to other people’s real reactions to their attitudes and behavior. They are so blinded by their own defenses that they assume everyone either agrees with them or thinks that what they are saying is amusing.

Ted and Sue on a date

Ted, an exhibitionist narcissist businessman, went on a first date with an attractive woman, Sue, whom he met through a dating site. Here is how each described their date later.

Ted: “I really impressed her! I told her about how many important people I know, and I took her to a fancy restaurant, and I ordered a fabulous dinner for her and chose an excellent wine that she had never tasted before. I can’t wait for the next date. And she is hot; next time we will end up at my apartment for the night.”

Sue: “Boy, that was a wasted evening. My date was so obnoxious. All he did was talk about himself. He didn’t ask one question about me. Then he insisted on ordering a steak dinner and red wine for me over my protests. I never eat red meat, and the salmon really looked good. I wanted to try this peach and vodka cocktail, but he insisted on this 'special' wine instead. That was how it was all night. Everything was what he wanted. If he ever texts or calls me again, I won’t pick up.”

Basic exhibitionist narcissist relationship style: Insensitive and bossy. They expect whomever they are with to admire and agree with them about everything. Disagreement is seen as criticism and is met with devaluation They need continual reassurance that they are special, perfect, and always right.

2. Closet Narcissists

Unlike exhibitionist narcissists, closet narcissists are uncomfortable when the spotlight is directly on them. They want to be “special,” but they are conflicted. They have usually been trained since childhood that they will be attacked if they openly display themselves for admiration. They often have had an exhibitionist narcissist parent who devalued them, because he or she saw them as competition. They were only rewarded with praise for admiring their exhibitionistic parent. Their own narcissistic grandiosity was squashed or was deeply buried in their personality.

In general, closet narcissists tend to be more insecure than exhibitionist narcissists. They feel too exposed and vulnerable to enjoy being the center of admiring attention. They are afraid that other people will see all their flaws and attack and devalue them the way that their narcissistic parent did. Instead they find ways to attach themselves to people, causes, religions, and other things that they admire and consider special. They then feel special by association.

They do not say, I am special, admire me! They do say, This is perfect and special. You should admire (my religion, my lover, my school, this book, etc.)!

Instead of being openly demanding, closet narcissists sometimes try to manipulate the situation to get their way indirectly. They may play the victim and use your pity to persuade you to do what they want. They often pretend to be much nicer than they really feel inside.

Many people with closet Narcissistic Personality Disorder allow themselves to be used by their more confident friends. They live for the praise that they hope to get by working hard for the people, causes, and groups that they admire. There is a song in the movie Beaches called “The Wind Beneath My Wings” that beautifully describes the type of appreciation most closet narcissists dream about getting from the people that they idealize.

Ted and Lara on a date

Ted is the exhibitionist narcissist that we met in my earlier example with Sue. Now he is out on a first date with Lara, who has a closet Narcissist Disorder. Here they are each describing the date later.

Ted: He says exactly the same thing as he did about his date with Sue because he repeats basically the same first date with every new woman. For exhibitionist narcissists, women are basically interchangeable, as long as they serve the same function for him: “I really impressed her! I told her about how many important people I know, and I took her to a fancy restaurant, and I ordered a fabulous dinner for her and chose an excellent wine that she had never tasted before. I can’t wait for the next date. And she is hot; next time we will end up at my apartment for the night.”

Lara: “Ted is so wonderful! I can’t believe he wants me. He is so masterful! I love that he took charge and ordered for me. How did he know that I love steak and a good red wine? He is so perceptive.”

As a closet narcissist, Lara looks up to Ted and idealizes him for the exact same qualities Sue found obnoxious. Lara misunderstands Ted. Unlike Sue, who quickly realized how selfish he was being by ordering for her, Lara mistakes his selfishness for confidence and idealizes him for it.

Closet narcissist basic relationship style: They choose someone whom they can idealize as perfect and special. They bask in this person’s reflected glory. They imagine that some of this specialness will rub off on them. They treasure the small bits of approval that they get from whomever they idealize. They often form relationships with exhibitionist narcissists, because they mistake their defensive grandiosity for true self-confidence.

3. Toxic Narcissists

Toxic narcissists are not satisfied by being the center of attention; they want complete dominance and for others to submit. They usually have a sadistic streak and enjoy hurting other people. They want you to obey and fear them.

Some are what I think of as “failed exhibitionists.” They are angry and bitter that they have not been able to live up to their unrealistic fantasies of limitless achievement. They envy anyone who has what they want. They have given up on being a constructive force in the world and are now mainly intent on thwarting other people’s happiness.

Their poisonous intent is very obvious when they present in an overt form, such as the classroom bully who terrorizes the weakest kids, or the boss who angrily devalues a different person every day in front of the whole team: “You screwed up again! Are you an idiot? Or did you decide to get yourself fired today because you are too lazy to work?”

Toxic narcissists can also present more covertly, such as your seemingly “sweet old aunt,” who always manages to ask you embarrassing questions that make you squirm in front of the whole family: “Why are you so fat? Neither of your parents were fat as children.” Or, “Such a shame that you lost your job again! How many have you lost? Why can’t a bright girl like you keep a job?”

Ted and Mona

Ted, the exhibitionist narcissist, has a first date with Mona, a toxic narcissist. Ted tried to do his usual first date plan. Here is how the evening went.

Ted: “Let me order for you. I know you will love it.”

Mona: (After taking a few bites of the steak and a sip of the wine.) “It is such a shame that really prime beef is no longer available, and they pass off meat like this as prime. Please don’t feel bad. You are not alone. Most people don’t know better, because they have never tasted the real thing! This wine is not bad. I see why you might like it. It is better than most.”

As you can see, Mona, the toxic narcissist, quickly asserts her dominance over Ted, the exhibitionist narcissist. She neatly ruins any pleasure Ted might have felt in supplying this meal. According to Mona, she is the real expert on steak and wine, and poor Ted is simply used to an inferior grade of both and does not know any better. What is really happening is that Mona is devaluing Ted.

Toxic narcissist basic relationship style: Their goal is to establish themselves as better than you and make you feel inferior and inadequate. Life with them is one long putdown. You will never please them, and they will never praise you. Any self-confidence that you entered the relationship with is likely to get eroded and replaced with self-doubt.

Devaluation and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

All narcissists will devalue other people to support their own self-esteem. By devalue, I mean that they will say insulting things that are designed to make someone else feel worthless. The three types of narcissists differ, however, in whom they devalue, how often they devalue, and when they devalue.

Exhibitionist Narcissists: Exhibitionist narcissists will openly devalue other people whenever they cannot get the admiration that they crave, or when they feel criticized. In general, they will not devalue people that they consider above them on the status totem pole — only those who are competing with them, or who are clearly below them.

The exhibitionist narcissist’s use of devaluation sometimes leads untrained people to mistake exhibitionist narcissists for toxic narcissists. As you can see from the above examples, Ted the exhibitionist narcissist began by actively seeking his dates' admiration, while Mona the toxic narcissist began by devaluing Ted.

Closet Narcissists: Closet narcissists are more likely to devalue themselves than other people. They are always apologizing. If they do devalue other people, it is likely to be behind their back or take the form of coldly withdrawing. They are more likely to openly express envy than to publicly insult or berate another person.

Toxic Narcissists: Toxic narcissists like to see other people squirm in embarrassment. They also like to knock people off stride. They often begin an interaction by putting the other person down in some way, as Mona did with Ted. They may do this subtly, or they may be bluntly and openly devaluing. Unlike the exhibitionist narcissists, who usually first display themselves for admiration and only resort to devaluation when that is not working well, toxic narcissists lead with devaluation. They generally prefer being feared to being admired — or they may equate the two things.

Conclusion 

Narcissists are not all alike, but all use other people to help regulate their self-esteem. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it can be helpful to recognize their subtype, what they are looking for from you, and what this means in terms of how you are likely to be treated. Depending on your inner resources and preferences, you might find one type of narcissist tolerable as a partner, while another type might literally drive you insane.

Adapted from Quora.com 12-19-17: What are the different types of narcissists and how do they behave?

Originally appeared at Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201712/how-the-3-types-narcissists-act-first-date

Credit for content to the following author:

Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., CGP, is a Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid adaptations.

5 Tests That Can Challenge Any Relationship

www.relationshipintuitive.com

How to stay calm through relationship ups and downs.

If you and your romantic partner have been together for a long time, there will likely be ups and downs in your degree of happiness with the relationship.

Certain events and situations will make your relationship and your partner feel valuable to you. Other events and contexts may leave you wondering why on earth you're with this person. If this sounds vague and abstract at this point, let me offer some specific examples to illustrate what I mean, as well as some practical takeaways:

1. When you're unwell.

If your partner is great at taking care of you when you're sick, that'll be a time your relationship feels especially value to you. On the other hand, if they're hopeless as a caregiver when you're ill, then your relationship may not feel particularly valuable to you when you're under the weather.

2. When you travel together.

If traveling together gives you a sense that your interests and rhythms are in sync, then your trips will make your relationship feel valuable to you. If you love globetrotting, but your partner hates to travel, or has completely different vacation preferences, shared trips will likely leave you feeling out of sync with each other.

3. When you're at parties.

If you're socially awkward, but your partner is more socially skilled, contexts like parties might make your relationship feel particularly valuable, such as if your partner takes the lead in finding people to talk to when neither of you know many guests at an event. 

If your partner is aloof and refuses to accompany you to parties, then going to parties isn't going to make you feel like your relationship is valuable.

4. When you're working very hard.

Some partners are particularly good at being solid supportive "rocks" when their other half is immersed in a personal goal, such as studying for finals or working long hours to launch a business. 

Other people have a tendency to be engrossed in their own work, and don't pay as much attention to their partner's work, career pressures, and goals.

5. When you're doing projects together, e.g., renovations.

Some partners work well together on practical projects. Others definitely don't.

What to Do With This Information:

✓Knowing what situations lead to you feel in or out of sync with your partner can help you not to panic during the times you're not feeling deeply connected. Different relationships have different strengths.

✓If you know what helps you feel in sync and reminds you of why your relationship is valuable to you, then you can create more of those situations. Obviously you're not going to get sick on purpose, but if your relationship is in a lull, you might realize that taking on a project together would help you feel emotionally closer.

✓Try thinking back to the times you felt most connected to your partner and re-create some of those situations. For example, perhaps you felt closer to each other when you socialized together with friends more often, or when you did more cooking together.

✓You might consider minimizing situations that tend to leave you feeling disconnected. For example, learn from experience that you don't travel well together, and try more solo travel or traveling with friends.

Originally appeared at Psychology Today.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201707/5-tests-can-challenge-any-relationship

Credit for full content to author

Alice Boyes, Ph.D., translates principles from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and social psychology into tips people can use in their everyday lives.

The Retreading Rebound Relationship

www.relationshipintuitive.com

Why do we dig up an old flame before we move on?

Rebounding — becoming involved in a relationship that shortly follows the ending of a previous one — is not necessarily misguided or unhealthy, as I explained in a previous post. However, a common and somewhat emotionally risky type of rebound relationship involves venturing into the territory of past partners. What motivates us to pursue a connection with someone from the past who did not work out the first time around?

In looking up a past partner, you may be aware of feeling a confusing urgency that becomes linked to curiosity about what’s going on with them. If your current failed relationship was worse than any of the previous ones, it’s possible that in retreading, you imagine you can improve upon what you once had and left behind.

Reconnecting with an old flame may distract you from the current loss and may temporarily provide emotional stability, but in the long run, retreading tends to backfire. Even if the initial re connection is exciting, the difficulties of the past will eventually emerge — perhaps a passing reference to an issue that divided you in the first place, or the recognition of a characteristic of the person that had previously offended you. The fragile facade of possibility usually gives way to the reality of the impossible: What didn’t work before will not work now. You might end up asking yourself, “What am I doing?” In any case, your friends or family members will certainly wonder, because unlike you, they don’t have the urgency to connect that enables them to deny the emotional memories of your previous relationships.

However, the fact that you’ve been there before and may make the same mistakes is not the primary issue. What’s important to consider is the avoidance of what you feel: The sensations of disconnection are difficult to tolerate. When a relationship ends, we may be adrift — as though we do not have an anchor that grounds us in a vast and turbulent sea of feelings. Disconnection from a significant relationship activates distress, fear, or shame that can transform into sadness, longing, disappointment, loneliness, anger, or a sense of unworthiness. Rebounding to leftovers from the past can only provide a temporary shield from the pain experienced with loss and the anticipatory anxiety of moving forward.

Generally, the connection found in a rebound relationship can help recovery, but a retreading rebound might ultimately amplify the pain. Going back will inevitably activate the emotional memories that led you to leave the first time. As a result, you may end up with the pain of two current relationships that have gone badly and a temptation to believe that it must be your fault. At that point, you may turn to a new set of coping responses beyond those used to deal with what you felt in the initial loss.

When a relationship ends, a retreading rebound relationship is not necessarily toxic, but is simply an avoidance response to negative emotions. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the designation of an emotion as positive or negative has little to do with its value, but instead refers to how the emotion motivates us by the way it makes us feel. Negative emotions, such as shame, fear, anger, or distress, motivate us to do something to avoid experiencing them, or they urge us to behave in ways that will relieve their effects. Other behaviors that people commonly use to relieve what they feel when a relationship ends include the excessive use of alcohol or drugs, random hook-ups, or engaging in highly stimulating activities. Avoidance responses are not always so apparently self-defeating, and many can even temporarily enhance self-esteem, such as workaholism or a ruthless pursuit of perfection.

Human beings are designed to seek connection, so it's understandable why someone would engage in the avoidance behaviors associated with retreading an old path. Instead, simply accepting what we feel, and taking a look at the illusions we hold in a temptation to rekindle a former relationship, can teach us something about ourselves that could create a new direction.

Full credit for content to Psychology Today and Author

Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in Marin County, California.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201803/the-retreading-rebound-relationship

8 Signs That Predict Your Relationship Is About To End

“Relationships survive on trust, and if that is broken at any point, it’s pretty much the end of the relationship. Besides, inability to communicate leads to problems.” – Yuvraj Singh

www.relationshipintuitive.com

A lot of people can tell when their relationship is over. There are plenty of tell-tale signs that predict that a relationship that had once been fulfilling for both partners is now not working for one or both. This usually means that the relationship is ready to end. There usually comes one specific point where people come to the realization that their relationship is as good as over.

This doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. If you stayed in every single relationship you’d ever been in, you wouldn’t be able to find the one person that is tailor made just for you. Sometimes, people become better friends once the relationship has ended.

Expert in divorce prediction and author of What Makes Love Last John Gottman, Ph.D., says, “People really disengage when a relationship is about to end.” Therefore, knowing the signs that signify it’s time to move on can make the transition from being in a relationship to not much easier.

HERE ARE EIGHT SIGNS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ABOUT TO END

1.  YOUR BIGGEST SOURCE OF STRESS IS YOUR PARTNER

For most people, being around their significant other is a way to relieve stress. However, there may come a time where the thought of hanging out with them or going home to them only adds to the stress of the rest of your day. This is a sign that the relationship has run its course. Feeling stressed or obligated to spend time with your partner only hurts you both. When the relationship ends, you’ll both find that you’re much happier and able to move on.


2. YOU’RE NOT IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL

When you picture your life in a few years, do you picture your partner by your side? And if you do, does it bring you joy, or dread? If the answer is the latter, you’re probably ready for the relationship to run its course.

Dr. John Gottman says, “When the we-ness is lost, partners often describe their history in a way that emphasizes how it affected them individually, rather than as a couple. They prioritize getting what they want and ignore their partner’s needs.”

It can be a scary experience to realize that the person that you’re with isn’t the person you want to be with forever, but once the truth comes out, it’ll be better for everyone involved, and cause a lot less resentment.


3. YOU’RE NOT TALKING AS MUCH AS YOU USED TO … AND YOU’RE FINE WITH IT

If you go a few days without talking to your significant other, not even a phone call or a text, and it doesn’t bother you one bit, it’s probably a sign that you’re not as invested as you once were. Going a day without talking can be normal, but most people in a relationship want to at least check in on their partners. If you’re not feeling that desire, you probably need to have a talk with your partner about whether or not they’re feeling the same way. If they are, it’s probably best to call it quits while you’re ahead.


4. YOU’RE HAPPIER ALONE


Introverts may often feel happiness when they’re alone, but even introverts enjoy spending time with their significant others. If you find that the minute you’re alone you feel euphoria or relief, it’s probably a sign that you’re not enjoying your partner’s attention and presence as much as you used to.

Certified health coach Isadora Baum states, “If you’re not seeing each other as often, by choice, or are even avoiding each other, it could mean you’ve lost interest and should end things. If you’re happy in your partnership, you probably want to be around your S.O. as much as possible. If you aren’t feeling it, it’s time to break up.”

You don’t want to be around them, and they deserve someone who does.


5. YOU THINK ABOUT BREAKING UP


If you have anxiety about breaking up because you really don’t want to, then it’s probably not a sign your relationship is doomed. However, if you find that the thought of ending the relationship seriously crosses your mind, that’s a sign itself that it’s probably time to let go. A relationship you want to be in forever is one where you don’t even entertain the notion of letting them go.


6. YOUR PARTNER THREATENS TO BREAK UP WITH YOU


This is usually used as a last-ditch effort to win or end an argument. If your partner uses this as a tool in an argument over something insignificant, it’s a sign that they’re not really as invested in the relationship as you are – and that they’re using it as leverage, holding themselves hostage to keep you in line.

As relationship coach Kira Asatryan states, “Having a constant, nagging feeling that he’s about to leave is a sign of relationship instability. But if you no longer believe he cares, you’ll be trapped waiting, anticipating the minor incident that blows it all up. Is that really any way to live?”

No, it’s not – it’s not healthy, and it’s best that you go ahead and call their bluff and end the relationship.


7. YOU’RE CONVENIENT FOR THEM


A sign that your relationship might as well be over is when you realize that your significant other only has you around because you’re there. That isn’t fun, and doesn’t build a long-lasting relationship. You deserve someone who wants you for you, not because you’re a convenient source of emotional or physical comfort.


8. THEY’RE CONTROLLING


A relationship should be two people coming together to form a partnership. However, sometimes we find ourselves being over-run by our significant others’ powerful personalities. When they start to control what we do, who we see and what we’re allowed to enjoy, it’s probably time to end the relationship. If you wake up one morning and don’t recognize yourself, it’s time to get out and figure out who you are again.

Ending a relationship can be hard, especially when you think back to all of the good times you had together. There comes a point where those good times don’t outweigh the bad. Ending a relationship can be anything from freeing yourself from a controlling situation, or simply transitioning from lovers back to friends. Relationships should be enjoyable, and ending them can be the best way to make them that way for many people.

Credit for content to Power of Positivity:

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/8-signs-predict-relationship-end/

When Past Romantic Trauma Damages Your Current Relationship

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4 things to watch for — and how to fix each one.

Flight-or-fight is the instinctive physiological response to an external threat. It is a reaction that no doubt has early evolutionary roots. When fight or flight kicks in, the brain does not take time to weigh the circumstances, because a very quick response can mean survival. Of course, this lack of reflection means that in many cases, the body is overreacting. With experience, most of us learn to quickly recover from the first flush of flight or fight and find an appropriate response. It is a balance.

Fight or flight, or something akin to it, can also come about when a person experiences sharp, chronic romantic trauma. Those who have had relationships in which they were emotionally abused, physically or sexually threatened, or assaulted understandably may have developed an acute sensitivity to the cues that preceded these events. Even if they have managed to extricate themselves from a bad relationship, they may retain the learned impulse to react without reflection to any hint of a repeat.

As a result, the distress they experienced in bad relationships now gets triggered, inappropriately, in new situations with other people. If this describes you, you may in the moment feel a dreadful sense of deja vu and react negatively. While it may feel like the exact same situation, as you reflect later, you recognize that it was not the same situation at all. This often makes people feel ashamed or guilty for mistreating a current, healthier partner.

Here are 4 ways to assess if past romantic trauma is being triggered in your current relationship — and how to start processing the original trauma:

1. If you suffered a betrayal through cheating in your past romantic relationship, you may find yourself in a panic when you are out of touch with your partner. 

You frantically text, call, and otherwise do whatever possible to discover their whereabouts. Instead of allowing yourself to engage in these futile behaviors (futile because these behaviors won’t actually help you to feel safe and at ease, but instead beget more anxiety), take a step back and work through the hurt you suffered in your last relationship. Consider talking to your new partner about how you were betrayed and what you need to feel safe in your current relationship. Talk with him/her about how you are working on not letting this old experience taint your new one.

2. If your past partner was controlling or domineering, you'll likely become triggered when a partner tells you what to do, how to feel, or how to act.

Your new partner may not actually be trying to control you, but merely expressing an opinion. Nonetheless, the triggering may send you into flight or fight. You may tune out while they are talking, ignore them, or appear paralyzed. Instead, try to communicate with your partner about what you're noticing about yourself and how loaded the idea of control is for you.  Instead of blaming them, see if they can understand where you are coming from, and if they will consider ways to communicate opinions and desires that feel less domineering to you and are less likely to trigger an overreaction.

3. If you suffered emotional abuse in past relationships, it would not be unusual for conflict in a new relationship to trigger an overreaction.

Your current partner may just be expressing normal feelings that need to get out, but for you it feels as if the walls are caving in. You may panic or live in a state of fear about upsetting your partner. The possibility of an argument paralyzes you. Instead, work on noticing how your partner is communicating upset to you; instead of assuming it’s the same old thing, look for differences: Is he or she more sensitive to you, or are they still able to see the good in you even when upset with you? Remind yourself that all couples have conflict, and even if someone is upset, you can work things through without it becoming a crisis.

4. If you suffered physical or sexual abuse in past relationships, you may be susceptible to having negative emotions triggered by physical closeness or touch.

If your past partner hurt you physically or made you feel as if you were physically disgusting or had no worth, then sexual interactions may become emotionally painful. Many in this situation leave an encounter by disconnecting and tuning out. Before entering a new romantic relationship, consider that your body and brain need time to heal to feel safe again. It is unrealistic to go from physical mistreatment to feeling safe while being physically vulnerable with a new partner. Take a break, talk to a therapist to help you work through the trauma. Do not force yourself to engage physically: If you are not fully on board, each new sexual experience will only add to that original trauma.

Originally appeared at, and full credit for content goes to, Psychology Today at the following link.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201802/when-past-romantic-trauma-damages-your-current-relationship

6 Ways to Tell If You Are Not in Love With Your Partner

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There is nothing more disheartening to a couple or a couples' therapist than to hear one partner proclaim to love, but not be in love with, the other. Sounds like, “Well, I do not want anything bad to happen to you. But I do not feel the way I should feel about you.” Or how about, “Of course I love you. After all, we have children together.” Or the dreaded, “We can still be friends.”

When people who are in relationship distress claim to love one another, I try to take this proclamation to another level, especially if they are producing some serious symptoms. For example, I usually ask something like, “You can love your pet poodle and love playing tennis, but are you in love with one another?” If I suspect that only one person is in love, I will separate the couple for a session and ask this question of each of them in confidence. If only one answers in the affirmative, I know that serious trouble is on the horizon. Why? Because once you fall out of love, it is hard to fall back in. It is not impossible, but it is improbable. And if one or both partners were never in love — à la my stance on physical attraction — I doubt very much if it can be cultivated.

While most articles focus on how to tell if your partner is not in love with you, I will address those individuals who are showing signs of not being in love — a subtle difference pointed at the proactive rather than the reactive. I know that some people have feasible excuses for their apathetic or neglectful behavior, such as anger, depression, or physical illness. But if their detrimental behavior is chronic, chances are something more sinister has been brewing for some time and will — sooner or later — reveal itself in the relationship.

1. Apathy. Partners who are in love seem to have the energy to do things with their counterparts. They want to please them and look for new and exciting adventures to engage them. If you do not want to explore the world with your partner, you may not covet their company.

2. Distance. Partners who are in love want to be around their counterparts as much as possible. Most cannot wait to get home from work or for the weekend to spend time with them. Just going out for a simple bite to eat may be fulfilling. If you are routinely distancing from your mate, you may not be in love.

3. Physical Intimacy. Partners who are in love have sex more often to make love. They enjoy pleasing their partners in the bedroom, not purely to boost their own egos, but to make the partner feel wanted, desired, and valued. And they look forward to it. They feel pleasure from pleasuring. They are truly interested in what turns their partner on and make efforts to obtain this information. If you do not relish being close to your mate, and you are uninterested in making love with them, there may be something very seriously wrong.

4. Focus. Partners who are in love tend to maintain a focus on their counterparts. They think of them often and may bring them little gifts for no reason other than they want to show them how much they are thought of. They express concern when they think their partners are unhappy and try to address the issue as soon as possible. If your partner is rarely on your mind, you may not be in love.

5. Value. Partners who are in love value their counterparts and are more likely to feel lucky to have found such a person. True or not, they tend to think they have found their soul mates. If you feel that your partner is just another “fish in the sea,” you probably are not in love.

6. Respect. Partners who are in love respect their counterparts. They admire them and are supportive of their endeavors. Out of respect, they are better able to listen, negotiate, and compromise. There are fewer control struggles and more teamwork. If you treat your mate as if they have little to offer, you may not be in love.

Lacking in one or more of these areas does not necessarily guarantee that you are not in love. But it may, and if so, you should take it seriously. The authenticity of your relationship may be at stake.

originally appeared at, and full credit for content goes to:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201803/6-ways-tell-if-you-are-not-in-love-your-partner